Sunday, June 25, 2006 It's Your Wedding Day*

It's Your Wedding Day*

As I mentioned in my previous post, I journeyed to the old homestead this weekend to attend my 21 year old cousin's wedding to the man our family knew only as Chuck.

I'll begin by describing the marital candidates.

Samantha is a sweet Southern blonde with big innocent blue eyes and the disposition of a yellow lab puppy. She is calm, loyal, and exceedingly affectionate. The girl has never met a stranger, only a potential friend. She was (placing the emphasis on WAS) a pharmacy student.

Chuck is very tall...and blocky. He is not disagreeable, he is merely silent. No one in our rather close family was sure of Chuck's full name until the engagement announcement was in the newspaper. We believe that Chuck either works in a factory or a stockroom, but that cannot be verified due to his disinclination to speak.

The wedding party arrived in a blaze of hot pink and black. It was like a Barbie wedding without the smiles and anatomically freakish figures. Chuck's family (who had remained hidden up to this point, much like Chuck's personality) were resplendent in their many tattoos (several of which resembled pentagrams). Our family was a sea of orthodontics finest work, straight white teeth bared in blocks of grimacing smiles. Aunt H. and I made a dash to the bathroom to spike our pink, alcohol-free punch and returned to find that our entire family had managed to squeeze around our grandparents table, condensed from the originally assigned two tables. Apparently, this lapse in decorum occurred for three reasons: 1) The discovery of my purse full of mini-bottles 2) It is much more polite to mock the other guests in a quiet tone of voice (hence the centralized location) 3) Their table was closer to the exit.

The celebratory toasts began just as we were formulating a plan of escape. Transcripts of these toasts are below.
Maid-of-honor (the bride's 16 year old sister): I have always looked up to Samantha. She is kind and loyal. Her only weakness is her inability to refuse a dare. One time at band camp she drank toilet water and now she is getting married. Congratulations! (At this point my mother leaned over and whispered, "Is she high?". This was not meant in snide way, I admitted to my parents that I dabbled in drugs during my college years and now they treat me as a drug dog to sniff out substance abuse in others).
Best man: I remember in college when Chuck got fleas. He didn't want me to say that, but Samantha told me I could say whatever I want. I hope it works out!
Father-of-the-bride (who tried to bribe Samantha to wait a few years to get married): I have two wonderful daughters (18 second pause) and now I guess I have a son-in-law.

I'm thinking I should bring the mini bottles to Christmas this year...

*song by Stephen Lynch


Blogger jromer said...

oh christ, how painful. it's always difficult to see someone who has a great energy about them pair up with someone who let's say, doesn't seem to have as much to offer. hopefully chuck will surprise everyone

12:24 AM  
Blogger Mad Ethel said...

I just have to giggle while I read this post. Southern families crack me up. So much character in their own weird way. Pentagrams, eh? Sounds like people my sister would get along with just fine. Sounds like your mini-bar came in handy.

2:35 PM  
Blogger inkyhack said...

Brilliant post. Loved every word. Wish I could write as cohesively.

8:11 PM  

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