Friday, May 19, 2006 Found in Bars

Found in Bars

What would possess an otherwise sane person to drag their Bugaboo stroller into a bar? I am not a “kid person”, I prefer the company of my dog to that of children, but even I realize that there are certain characters found in bars that children should not be exposed to until they are too old and jaded to care.

Young Investment Banker Guy – This guy (and it’s always a guy) has just graduated from college and has suddenly found himself receiving a six figure salary and working 20 hours a day. On his rare Saturday away from the office he is simultaneously: trying to score; trying to stay awake, and trying to out-drink his buddies to prove that in addition to being Lehman Brothers ‘Spencer’ that “the man” has not killed his college persona ‘The Spencmeister’.

Alcohol is dangerous to this fragile soul, who has seen the movie Wall Street 27 times too many and has the book Less Than Zero in the top drawer of his nightstand like the Bible. This guy illustrates the Rick James quote, “Cocaine is a hell of a drug”.

Fun Drunk Girl – She is best friends with the entire bar! She sings, she dances, she may flash some gratuitous nudity before puking in your cheese fries, but one thing is for sure…before the night is over she will be your responsibility.

Fun Drunk Girl always has pain behind her smile and slurred laughter. After her 14th Pink Lady, all hell will break loose. You may be her hostage listener on such interesting topics as: her eating disorder (past or present); how she is getting old and lonely; or her loose moral hook ups. She will sob at your table as all of her friends from the hours before drift away and you will have to help her find her way home.

The Armchair Philosophers – In the morning they haunt your favorite coffee shop and monopolize the outdoor setting, at night they can be found in the coziest pub or dive bar in your area. This group looks eclectic, but they have a few identifying marks (much like the Mark of the Beast) such as:
1. The sulky sneer – These people are NEVER happy and they love to share their misery with each other, innocent passersby, and anyone within earshot of their one hard of hearing member that talks at 80 decibels.
2. One item made of hemp – It will vary, from the linen-look hemp pants the closeted corporate lawyer is wearing to the rough hemp hair wraps in the fat masseuse’ hair.
3. A solution – These people are the thwarted leaders. They have the answers to the energy crisis, terrorism, Medicare, etc. All of these answers seem to involve some kind of socialist/communist government that they would of course be involved in. Hate to tell you folks, but under a socialist government’s 35% tax rate it may be hard to pay for your golf club membership or children’s Episcopalian education.

This is a real group of people who take ALL of the outdoor seating and prime parking at my favorite coffee spot every Sunday from 9am to noon. They only order one cup of coffee and nurse it for three hours and never tip the servers. If anyone from that group is reading this, I just want you to know that I hate you.


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