Wednesday, June 21, 2006 Invasion of the Tourists

Invasion of the Tourists

The air is warm, humidity has reached the dew point, and I am blinded by the glare of untanned legs in line for Starbucks.

It is time...For everyone from the area I refer to as the Mid-South to gather in Atlanta for (choke) vacation (?).

Disclaimer: I live in Atlanta. I am not originally from Atlanta. I moved here by choice (versus economic necessity or family pressure) shortly after my rather long (six year) college career that FINALLY ended in two degrees.

Atlanta has a lot of people, a lot of traffic, and some neat hidden niches. Before I MOVED to Atlanta I did not vacation here. Atlanta is not exactly the place where one would summer. Regardless of the city's landlocked geography and malarial climate, hordes of vacationers descend on our fair city every June and July.

How does one tell tourists from the local yokels you may ask? Well, the tourist have a few distinguishing features that are outlined below.
1. Skin tone - Our visitors only come in two shades, deep-sea pale or tanning bed orange. I have a theory that Atlanta may be promoted on "Melanin Challenged" websites.
2. Clothing - Atlanta is not New York. Well-heeled Atlantans seem to prefer the schizophrenic prints of Lily Pulitzer to the clean lines and neutral colors of Prada. The demographic that the Atlanta Tourism Board obviously markets to has a predilection for Big Dog wear and NASCAR branded body coverage.
3. Voice modulation disorder - Some of you may remember the SNL Will Ferrell skit in which Will plays a man who yells, even when he is whispering. Our guest residents cannot seem to talk below a level of 'light yell'.
4. They raise their eyes to the sky - Atlanta has no skyline. Are these tourists searching for God? Do they think that in Atlanta it rains Coca-Cola and by extending their scrawny or corpulent necks upward they will get a free taste of caramel colored, high-fructose corn syrup delight?
5. Directionally challenged - If one more person asks me for directions to the CNN Center (usually asked while they are standing directly in front of the building), the Georgia Aquarium, or 'the Mall' (Atlanta has a mall on every corner) I will tell them to get back in their car, get on the highway, and return to whatever culture and gentility forsaken place they have come from, and mapquest it.

If you are thinking of visiting Atlanta this summer, my advice is DON'T. Stay at home, there is nothing for you here.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Luis said...

I plan to stay far away from atlanta, arn't those 'Red Air' warnings going off. I remeber one of my last summers in Atlanta was like 2 mounths of dagerous ozone air! The only reason I would go would be to visit my niece and buy a new glass pipe at Junkmans' or some earth shoes at Abadaba's

1:40 PM  
Blogger MC said...

Well, from what I've heard about Atlanta traffic, I don't think they could just go home.

Of my potential vacation spots, Atlanta is right down there with Orlando; Tulsa, OK and Bismarck, North Dakota... sure it is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to vacation there.

1:46 PM  
Blogger Anomie-Atlanta said...

Luis: If you don't call me while you're in town, I will haunt you. I promise to buy you a burger at The Vortex.

MC: Amen!

2:33 PM  
Blogger Jeremy Barker said...

The only thing I know of Atlanta is in the future your entire city will be moved out to see and eventually sink under the growth. There the remaining residents will be turned into mermaids by a leak from the Coca-Cola plant. Needless to say, I beleive Futurama is a documentary sent from the year 3000.

6:29 PM  
Blogger jromer said...

doesn't exactly sound fetching, these tourists.
oh god, is there STILL big dog clothing running rampant out there?

2:41 PM  

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